Can't Stop Thinking About You

You have no idea how bad I want to be with you right now. How bad I want to hear you tell me the three words that you love me. How bad I just want to talk to you and hear your voice. Or how bad I want to feel your arms around me giving me your perfect hugs. How bad I just want to hold your hand and look into your eyes and know that everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I cant imagine life without you. But most of all I Love You. You are my best friend and I want to do everything with you, I want to go on adventures together, stay up late watching our favorite movies, laugh until our stomachs ache, bake cookies and your favorite brownies together, cook a fancy dinner with you and bee so proud of ourselves that we were able to do it. A day or even an hour doesn't go by without me thinking about you. As I'm writing this I keep thinking of all the fun things we had planned for this summer and even though you didn't think that I wanted to go to Moab or Havasupai or Hiking or anything like that, I did. I was so excited to go to all of those places with you and finally do things that you like to do and that make you happy. I was so excited for you to come with me and my family to Yellowstone, I wanted to go swimming with you. I wanted to do it all with you. I makes me sad to know that now I won't get to do those things with you by my side and with me by your side.
It kills me to know that you don't feel the same way about me, and that you probably don't think about me or even feel the same way as you once did. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if you want to hear from me or see me again or maybe I should just stop bugging you and realize that I'm not the one you want? I honestly just don't know what you want. Just know that I love you. I won't ever stop loving you.

You probably won't even read this and I just basically poured out my heart for the world to read. But oh well cause I just needed to get it out there.
If you do read this just know that all I want is for you to be happy, and I clearly don't so I hope and I pray that someday you do find that girl that you want to spend everyday with and that makes you smile every time you even think about her. She will be one of the luckiest girls on this planet. I hope she knows that she is, and never takes it for granite.

Still trying to Process It All

Six months ago today I went on the best first date I could have ever imagined. I went to the Saturday afternoon session of the LDS General Conference. Little did I know, I was going with someone who would become my best friend. Someone who would end up meaning the world to me. Someone who I wanted to spend everyday with, Someone I would give all of my love to. 

Unfortunately for me, in the long run his feelings were not the same, Almost exactly six months from that great day, he broke it all off. A week ago. He wasn't sure that if all he had told me was even true. He wasn't sure of anything at all.

 Every time he would say something of that sort, my heart was broken just a little bit more. By the end of our talk.. his only solution was to break everything off. To not see me, not to talk to me, nothing.   That's what he wanted. He told me that this isn't going to hurt as much.. Was he ever wrong.. My heart has never hurt so much.

And it was all because I had loved him too much, I guess. 

It hurt to know that the one person i trusted fully and loved ( don't get me worn.. I still do love him) Just said to me that everything he had told me in the past couple of month may not have been true. the hardest thing was the next day when every single member of my extended family asks "where is Tanner?" And I had to try and fight back the tears so I could tell them why he wouldn't be spending the day with us.

This past week, although I have been trying to keep busy and put a smile on has been one of the hardest. Luckily I am blessed with amazing family who has shown their love for me, Friend who have reached out their arms towards me and been there when I needed them most. 

I love him and I will for a very long time.

Maybe that's foolish of me, I don't know.

But what I do know is that I hope and pray that maybe one day he will want to talk to me, And will want to see me, and will want to try. Until then I hope you are doing well and I hope you're happy.

I miss you. And think about you all the time.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the Love of my life! (:

A whopin 23! DANG he's getting old ;) (just joking) it's really not that old haha just seems like it to me.. ya know, since I'm such a little baby and just turned 19 haha. But what the heck! That doesn't even matter! right?! Anyways he is amazing and I honestly don't know what I would do without him! Even though we may go through some rough patches and get our feelings hurt or whatnot, my feelings could never change for this guy! How blessed I am to have such a great example and a wonderful priesthood holder in my life! He means the world to me! I hope he has one of the best birthdays yet!

Oh how life can change so quickly

I dont even know where to begin... so many emotions and thoughts that keep running through my head. So in turn I have decided that blogging perhaps maybe the best solution to getting things somewhat organized in this mess I like to call my head. Have you ever loved someone with all of your heart? someone that you know you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life? yeah well, its an amazing feeling,you feel like you are on top of the world, like life couldn't get any better. I mean seriously though what could get better than being with your best friend and hearing him say the sweet three word sentence to you every night before you close your eyes, just so you can dream about that very man. Knowing that you are going to be able to be with him for eternity. The answer to that is nothing. Nothing can get better than that. Until the unexpected comes along and that very man who had just told you he loved you the night before decides to break the news to you, that he doesn't know if your are right for him or if he's right for you.. or if he even knows what he wants. Now, this isn't my first rode with this kind of thing, I've had my heart broken once before. But that doesn't stop it from hurting any less. I was caught by surprise and had no idea how to react. What would you do in this kind of situation? It felt like my heart was just sitting there on a open table, no protection just getting hit over and over again. Every word he spoke, another jab and the self worth scale went down one more notch. I love him. and right now I guess he needs time apart from me. Now the question I keep asking myself is "what's wrong with me?" "Will someone one day actually love me and mean it?" Cause something has got to be wrong with me if this keeps happening. The one time I thought nothing could go wrong and we had it right. nope! that "right" got swept right out from under me and once again I received the unsaid message... "you're not good enough". I don't know what's in store for my future, but I know that someone does. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and I know that what ever is happening is happening for a reason. Wether this little break from him be short termed or wether it be permanent, that I don't know. But I do know that we are sent to this earth to be tested. And perhaps right now is my turn to take one of the many tests we will receive on this Earth. Never the less, if you're wondering, yes I do still love him, in the 8 hours its been I have yet to stop thinking about him. If he comes back asking for forgiveness then yes I will give it to him and I will come back with open arms. Well I guess that should be enough for now. So until later, Have a great night!

Far far away ):

 Boy am I missing this guy! ): I didn't think that living 2 hours away for one more semester would be this hard, but I was defiantly wrong! I love him with all of my heart, he's my best friend and I cant stand to be away from him for one more day. I guess I have to learn patience, it's going to be a long couple of months but I know that in the end it is going to be so worth it! I can't wait to be with him forever!

A Great Weekend (:

You might be asking why it was such a great weekend?? Thats because I spent it with my amazing Boyfriend (: I love him! I also was able to pick up my new car which I am totally digging, it's saaweettt!! Vdub Jetta and its basically just awesome! 

I drove down to Provo on friday and surprised Tanner at work.. (: that was fun!

 Then we drove up to Heber and spent the night with his brother and sister-in-law and their cute little boys Nash and Milo. Of course we had to put the Monkey costume on after dinner! 

Seriously he is the cutest little boy ever and I love him to pieces! 

The next morning Tan and I woke up and had some yummy breakfast at "The Hub" don't worry it was only 4:00...PM. Yeah so we kinda just lounged all day and hung out in our PJs and laid in bed (: I seriously want to be with this guy for the rest of my life! (:

 That was Saturday and now its the Lovely day of the LORD! Oh how I love this day and the opportunity I have to go and worship the LORD. The church is true! Tanner and I went to his ward and well lets just say it was my first sunday at a BYU ward... hahahah wow. But being able to spend that day with him was great! I just love him! (: and I love holding his hand everywhere we go!

After Church,Tan took me on a little tour of Provo (: we stopped at the cutest little hole in the wall restaurant called Sammy's! unfortunately it was on a Sunday and was closed but we did a little photoshoot anyways haha just cause it was so cute (: and I loved my outfit hahah what can I say?? I'm definitely coming back to this cute place in the summer!

Later that night we were just chillin at Tribes for Sunday Dinner and then Tan and Andy had a little Jam sesh. Jeeze I love when he plays the guitar! He's so cute!  

Overall it was just a great weekend and no fun to have to say goodbye. :( I love this boy so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him! He's amazing! (:

Staying Positive

It's going to be a long 5 months. But I know that in the end it's all going to be worth it, and the decisions that we make, even though we may be nervous or anxious about them now it's all going to work out :) President Gordon B. Hinckley was an amazing prophet and one of my favorites! The Church is true!