Can't Stop Thinking About You

You have no idea how bad I want to be with you right now. How bad I want to hear you tell me the three words that you love me. How bad I just want to talk to you and hear your voice. Or how bad I want to feel your arms around me giving me your perfect hugs. How bad I just want to hold your hand and look into your eyes and know that everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I cant imagine life without you. But most of all I Love You. You are my best friend and I want to do everything with you, I want to go on adventures together, stay up late watching our favorite movies, laugh until our stomachs ache, bake cookies and your favorite brownies together, cook a fancy dinner with you and bee so proud of ourselves that we were able to do it. A day or even an hour doesn't go by without me thinking about you. As I'm writing this I keep thinking of all the fun things we had planned for this summer and even though you didn't think that I wanted to go to Moab or Havasupai or Hiking or anything like that, I did. I was so excited to go to all of those places with you and finally do things that you like to do and that make you happy. I was so excited for you to come with me and my family to Yellowstone, I wanted to go swimming with you. I wanted to do it all with you. I makes me sad to know that now I won't get to do those things with you by my side and with me by your side.
It kills me to know that you don't feel the same way about me, and that you probably don't think about me or even feel the same way as you once did. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if you want to hear from me or see me again or maybe I should just stop bugging you and realize that I'm not the one you want? I honestly just don't know what you want. Just know that I love you. I won't ever stop loving you.

You probably won't even read this and I just basically poured out my heart for the world to read. But oh well cause I just needed to get it out there.
If you do read this just know that all I want is for you to be happy, and I clearly don't so I hope and I pray that someday you do find that girl that you want to spend everyday with and that makes you smile every time you even think about her. She will be one of the luckiest girls on this planet. I hope she knows that she is, and never takes it for granite.

Still trying to Process It All

Six months ago today I went on the best first date I could have ever imagined. I went to the Saturday afternoon session of the LDS General Conference. Little did I know, I was going with someone who would become my best friend. Someone who would end up meaning the world to me. Someone who I wanted to spend everyday with, Someone I would give all of my love to. 

Unfortunately for me, in the long run his feelings were not the same, Almost exactly six months from that great day, he broke it all off. A week ago. He wasn't sure that if all he had told me was even true. He wasn't sure of anything at all.

 Every time he would say something of that sort, my heart was broken just a little bit more. By the end of our talk.. his only solution was to break everything off. To not see me, not to talk to me, nothing.   That's what he wanted. He told me that this isn't going to hurt as much.. Was he ever wrong.. My heart has never hurt so much.

And it was all because I had loved him too much, I guess. 

It hurt to know that the one person i trusted fully and loved ( don't get me worn.. I still do love him) Just said to me that everything he had told me in the past couple of month may not have been true. the hardest thing was the next day when every single member of my extended family asks "where is Tanner?" And I had to try and fight back the tears so I could tell them why he wouldn't be spending the day with us.

This past week, although I have been trying to keep busy and put a smile on has been one of the hardest. Luckily I am blessed with amazing family who has shown their love for me, Friend who have reached out their arms towards me and been there when I needed them most. 

I love him and I will for a very long time.

Maybe that's foolish of me, I don't know.

But what I do know is that I hope and pray that maybe one day he will want to talk to me, And will want to see me, and will want to try. Until then I hope you are doing well and I hope you're happy.

I miss you. And think about you all the time.